Cheese III

-Cheese (To: Galtee & Calvita, Subject: Easy Singles)

To whom it may concern,

My name is Martina Mary O'Connor and I'm a final year arts student studying at UCC in Cork. I am a huge fan of Calvita cheese, particularly your easy single range and it is on foot of this great love that I took it upon myself to fashion my greatest masterpiece (to date) using nothing but Calvita easy singles.

Let me explain. As part of my abstract arts module I had to undertake a project for my final year. I decided to combine as part of my project the two passions in my life, cheese and fashion. It took me 5 and a half weeks but I have finally completed my masterpiece, a three piece suit fashioned entirely from easy singles, Calvita easy singles. It Is quite a sight!

Because of the very nature of the project it has been secluded for an early marking date next week. I fear the life-span of the completed project is limited and this is why I was granted an early evaluation from the college.

The reason I'm writing to you is basically to inform the powers that be there at Calvita of my project. I would also like to put my project at the disposal of the company to use maybe as part of an ad campaign or however they see fit.

Again I would like to remind you of the limited lifespan of the project and that any use it might have will be lost as the cheese starts to go off.

Yours Faithfully
Martina Mary O'Connor

posted by Shitty Bill @ 7:34 PM 24 comments

Cheese II

-Cheese (To: Irish Dairy Board , Subject: Aruba)

Hi,
Just wondering if you can help me with a little question. Is it true that eating copious amounts of cheese can have adverse effects on human health, both mental and physical?

Its just, I've been eating nothing but cheese for the last three weeks now and haven't noticed any side effects.

I would really like to have an answer to this question ASAP as the cat and myself have a three-week holiday to Aruba booked for next week and we really need to know how much cheese we need to pack.

Insanely Yours
Martina M O'Connor

Dear Martina,

Thanks for your email. I am glad to see you are a cheese lover. Unfortunately I am not an expert on diet or any medical field.

I would suggest moderation in all things including consumption of cheese. I hope you enjoy Aruba.

Kind Regards
Liam Hassett
Irish Dairy Board

posted by Shitty Bill @ 3:24 PM 0 comments

Cheeeese

-Cheese (To: Health Dept , Subject: Adverse Effects)

Hi,
Just wondering if you can help me with a little question.

Are there are any adverse effects to human body as a result of eating large amounts of cheese?

I haven't noticed any side effects so far and I just can't seem to stop eating the stuff.

P.S
On a totally unrelated matter, my cat hates you.

Insanely Yours
Martina M O'Connor

>Reply (No Reply)

posted by Shitty Bill @ 7:18 PM 25 comments

The Thong Thing!!

rot: The Zetor Tractor

(To: Tipperary IFA & Zetor worldwide, Subject: Zetor Tractor)

Hi,
My name is Martina Mary O'Connor and myself and my husband own a small farm just outside Fethard, County Tipp in Ireland.
I found your email address from the Internet. I am writing to you on the Internet because it is the only way I am sure my husband wont find out im talking to you. You see he doesn't know how to use the computer.

The reason I am writing to you is because I have a very big problem. My husband has gone to Tralee for a few days visiting his brother and he does not allow me to drive the Tractor when he is not around. Michael our eldest son usually drives it when my Husband is away. Yesterday when Michael was at Hurling training my sister rang, she had had a fight with her husband and was hysterical on the phone. I had to go into town to calm her down, but I had no car. I know I shouldn't have but I had to use the tractor to go and see her. I made sure I was at home before Michael came from training. I thought everything was ok and that I had got away with it, until this morning when Michael tried to start the tractor. He didn't go into detail but it failed him to start the tractor. I tried to start it later on myself but I couldn't. It's a Zetor tractor and normally when I insert the key the gages show that I have power. My battery shows a full charge yet when I insert the key it does nothing. I checked the fuses according to the manual. I do not have the battery relay switch which the manual suggests. The battery is mfg Oct. of 2002 so I wouldn't think it would be bad.

My husband is a good man but he gets very angry when he is disobeyed. I am frightened he will find out I took the tractor in to town and that he will kick me out of the house.  I really don't know where to turn from here. Any suggestions would be appreciated, either on how to fix the tractor or how to deal with my husband.

Thank you.
Martina Mary O'Connor

>Reply 1 (No Reply From Tipperary IFA)


>Reply 2 (From: Zetor Europe)

Hi,
To me it looks like bad key switch. On the key switch, there is red wire. It should have power all the time. If the red wire is not powered: Check this red wire - It comes from the upper terminal on the starter. If the red on key switch is powered:
When you push the key, power should also occur on wire conected to terminals 15 and 54 on the key switch (numbers are stamped on the switch).
If there is no power there, key switch is bad.

Peter

>Reply 3 (From: Zetor UK)

Good evening Martina.
Before I can help you with your problem on your Zetor tractor on starting. I need to know which model type it is you have got. I.E. super 6341 or major 5340.I am the service man for all the UK dealers and assist dealers in Ireland.I have 40yrs experience on Zetor Tractors so i should be able to sort out your problem.

As to your other matter with your husband I do not get into domestics.

Best Regards.
John.

>Reply 4 (From: Zetor Ireland)

Dear Martina,
We are sure things are not as bad as you make out, but we are afraid that your tractor will have to be examined to determine the cause for not starting.

There could be a number of reasons for example is the engine turning over. If so then it is not the Battery. We suggest that you contact your local Zetor Dealer to come and look at the tractor. He is Pat Lawrence, K & L Motors, Cahir 4 X 4 Centre, Clonmel Road , Cahir. Telephone:- 052 41883

Pat should be able to look after you.
Next time maybe it might be wise to take a Taxi.

Yours truly,
Zetor Tractors Ireland Limited.

posted by Shitty Bill @ 4:26 PM 75 comments

rot: IFA (Scarecrow)

-IFA (To: Roscommon IFA , Subject: Scarecrow)

Hello,
I got your email from the internet. I would like to make an enquiry on behalf of my husband. We have a small farm near Boyle. We have just planted our Wheat crop for the year but were were having terrible trouble with crows eating the seeds, we have a scarecrow but unfortunately hes not doing his job (maybe hes not scary enough) would you have any information on the most affective type of Scarecrow to use.
Any information at all would be of help.

Thanking You
G***** P. C****

>Reply (No Reply)

posted by Shitty Bill @ 4:01 PM 29 comments

rot: IFA (Milk Quota)

-IFA (To: Kerry IFA, Subject: Milk Quota)

Hi,
I would like to enquire about the milk quota for the forthcoming year. We have a small Dairy Farm in Kerry with about 90 Cows.
I believe that the quota for last year was 110 litres per cow per week. Any chance you could raise this quota to 130 litres as the young
fella is about to start school and he needs new shoes.

Thanking You
G***** P. C****

>Reply (No Reply)

posted by Shitty Bill @ 3:54 PM 0 comments

rot: RTE (George Hamilton)

-RTE (To: George Hamilton, Subject: Toast)

Dear George,
I have a question that I thought you might be able to help me with.
Why is it that when I set my toaster for 5 toast I get 6 and then when I try and set at 4 to get 5 I just get 4 toast?
I just don't get it!!

Insanely yours
Martina Mary O'Connor

>Reply (No Reply)

posted by Shitty Bill @ 3:34 PM 0 comments

rot: RTE (Kevin Hough)

-RTE (To: Kevin Hough, Subject: Lyrics Board)

Dear Kevin,
Any truth to the rumour that you are set to make a return to next seasons Lyrics board?
In my honest opinion the show hasn't been the same since you left. It has become a over rehearsed farce as far as I can see. Why cant RTE see that what they are lacking is raw tallent which the likes of yourself and Arthur Murphy had in abundance.

Yours
Martina Mary O'Connor

>Reply (From: Kevin Hough)

Dear Martina,
Did not hear anything yet so I am not sure if it is coming back. Am really busy now with Active Age in Radio plus a lot of other activities. Thank you so much for your kind words about me I really appreciate them.

I will forward your message to the producer Andy Ruane in Like it Love it Productions.

All the Best
Kevin

posted by Shitty Bill @ 3:16 PM 118 comments

rot: RTE3!!

-RTE (To: RTE Complaints , Subject: RTE 3)

Hello,
I'm sorry it has come to having to write this email but I am in a bad way because I cannot get RTE 3 on my television. As a T.V Licence payer I am deepy upset by this.

I can get all the other channels RTE1 RTE2 TV3 & TG4 but still cannot get RTE3, this is an outrage. If I do not get this channel I will be forced to cancel my TV Licence or worse take legal action - (my husband is a solicitor he works for Black &Decker)

Yours in Horror
Geraldine P Cunningham

P.S The Cat says Meeow

>Reply (No Reply!)

posted by Shitty Bill @ 5:17 PM 24 comments

rot: RTE (IDTwo, Kids Show)

-RTE (To: ID-Two, Subject: Renamed)

Dear IDtwo,
Any truth to the rumour that your fantastic show “ID2” is going to be renamed “D4”? I think this would be a much more appropriate name not only because the grabasstic presenter comes across as your typical D4 trust fund baby but also because of the string of “Yáw Yáw Yáw” guest you insist on parading in front of us.

Yours
Martina Mary O'Connor
Age 11

>Reply (From: IDTwo Team)

Dear Martina,
Thank you for your mail - no there is no truth in the rumour that IDTwo will be named D4...
Perhaps when you are older you might look at becoming a TV producer and then you can call your programme anything you want!

Kind regards
The IDTwo Team

>>RE: Reply (To: IDTwo Team)

Dear IDTwo Team,
Thank you for your speedy reply.
It seems that i got the wrong end of the stick as far as 'ID Two' making a name change is concerned.

As for your advice on my future career, funnily enough I already have my heart set on becoming a TV producer when I grow up! Perhaps some day when I make it as a TV producer I might get to produce ‘ID Two'. However, I fear that this is highly unlikely as the average lifespan for kids shows on RTE isn't great (especially mediocre ones).

Regards
Martina M O'Connor

posted by Shitty Bill @ 4:48 PM 32 comments

rot: Derek Mooney

-RTE (To: Derek Mooney, Subject: One Eyed Animal)

Dear Derek,
I was just wondering if you could settle a bet for me. Is it true that the only naturally occurring one eyed animal is the one eyed trouser snake? My friend Geraldine says this is true but my neighbours cat only had one eye when she was born so does this make it not true.

Below is a picture of my neighbours cat Toby.

Yours
Martina Mary O'Connor

>Reply (No Reply!!)

posted by Shitty Bill @ 6:09 PM 0 comments

rot: Aonghus McAnally

-RTE (To: Aonghus McAnally, Subject: Anything Goes)

Dear Aonghus,
Any truth to the rumour that 'Anything Goes' is set to make a return to our screens in RTEs summer schedule.

I know it would be a big ask for yourself to come out of retirement but do you really want to deprive another generation of such a top class show.

Yours
Martina Mary O'Connor

>Reply (From: Aonghus McAnally)

Dear Martina,

I am not aware of any such plans.
Thanks for the email,

Aonghus McAnally

>> Re:Reply (To: Aonghus McAnally)

Dear Aonghus,
Thank you for your speedy reply.

It seems that I got the wrong end of the stick as far as 'Anything Goes' making a come back to our screens is concerned. Its a shame really as I think the standard of Saturday morning kids shows on RTE has taken a real down turn of late.
Thanks again for your reply.

Yours
Martina Mary O'Connor

P.S
I think my husband is having an affair!

posted by Shitty Bill @ 5:56 PM 44 comments

rot: Gerry Daly (Gardners World)

-RTE (To: Gerry Daly, Subject: Garden Help)

Hi Gerry,
I was told i could contact your good self here. I have two questions and i would be hugely grateful if you could answer them as best you could.
My first question might be a dumb question. I have a beautiful large bush but it has no berries. How do I get it to have berries? I was told I need another bush of the opposite sex for it to pollinate. How can I tell what sex bush I have already?

My second question regards Gardner's World. Are there any plans in the pipeline to bring this show back to our screens? I found it a great source of education on all things garden related and it was entertaining to boot.

Yours faithfully
M*** M O'C**

>Reply (No Reply!!)

posted by Shitty Bill @ 5:31 PM 0 comments

rot: RTE (Mailbag)

-RTE (To: Complaints Dept, Subject: Mailbag)

Hi,
Just wondering if RTE have any plans to bring this great show (Mailbag) back to our screens. I was thrilled to see a fresh faced Arthur Murphy on a recent broadcast of that show "Blizzard of Odd". While I was delighted to see Arthur, I felt saddened by the fact he was reduced to a measly 'cameo' appearance on such a terrible show.

Arthur in his heyday could have bought and sold Colin Murphy, yet here he was reduced to mere sidekick.

I think the return of mailbag to our screens would give RTE a much needed boost, by giving their viewers a forum to voice concerns and complaints and maybe even compliments concerning our national broadcasters schedule.

Yours faithfully
M*** M O'C**

-*- Follow Up

I am disgusted by your lack of response to my last e-mail. The fact that i am Arthur Murphy's love child should have no bearing on the matter. My point still stands.

Thank You
M*** M O'C**

>Reply (From: RTÉ Information Office)

Dear M***,

Your e-mail, requesting the return of Mailbag has been forwarded to the office of the Managing Director of Television, for information and interest.

Best regards
RTÉ Information Office

posted by Shitty Bill @ 5:20 PM 26 comments

rot: RTE (Reality TV)

-RTE (To: Complaints Dept, Subject: Reality TV)

Dear RTE,
Any truth to the rumour that RTE's next big celebrity reality TV show involves the of putting of Pat Kenny, Twink, Brendan o Carroll and that boob-job trollop off you're a star into a burlap sack with 12 cats?

This is a show that I know id watch plus it would see my TV licence fee put to good use.

Yours truly,
*****

>Reply (From: Nina Ward, RTÉ Information Officer)

Hi *****,

Got to say that you're first on board with that particular rumour, but I'll run it past the relevant commissioning editor in case it has merit. I'm inclined to think however, that the DSPCA might veto cats being put in bags - burlap or otherwise.

Best regards
Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

posted by Shitty Bill @ 5:12 PM 0 comments

rot: RTE (Fair City)

-RTE (To: Complaints Dept, Subject: Fair City)

Dear RTE,
Any Chance youd cancel it ...................
I'll pay (name your price)

Much obliged
*****

>Reply (From: Nina Ward, RTÉ Information Officer)

Dear Ms. O'Connor,

No amount of money would induce us to spoil the enjoyment of over 600,000 viewers, for financial gain.

Is your remote control missing?

Nina Ward
RTÉ Information Officer

posted by Shitty Bill @ 4:33 PM 0 comments